Light Shows

by Rachel Rose Mitchell

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1.
And so it all comes down to this. It all builds up to now. Saw none of it coming, but I don't know how. This is the only way it could have ended. We reached our finale sooner than expected. (In the witching hour...) What more can we do? We've tried all that we can while you place the blame squarely in the victim's hands. Watching us fall further than we could before, stubbornly saying "you got what you wished for." In the witching hour we turn to dust in front of you. We recollect the pieces and from them are born anew. In spite of all the good we've done, we are the monsters' prey. You shun the horrors we'll become and turn your heads away. It's been like this as far as we remember. Chocking on smoke, stepping barefoot on embers. In our paper fortress we wait until nightfall, the time when our mistakes burn what's left of our paper walls. In the witching hour we turn to dust in front of you. We recollect the pieces and from them are born anew. In spite of all the good we've done, we are the monsters' prey. You shun the horrors we'll become and turn your heads away. We put our endings before our beginnings but nobody's told us just what we are winning. We fight with our lives 'til we don't even have those. We fight with all we have but still nobody knows. In the witching hour we turned to dust in front of you. The pieces all were trampled, now there's one thing left to do. In spite of all the good we've done, we were the monsters' prey. You shun the horrors we've become and turn your heads away.
2.
It's been so long since we began. It seems so long ago that in the name of loyalty we started on our own. Answering the call of a house we once called home, we knew that we were right. What did we know? We swore that we understood this wasn't a game, but somehow we found ourselves fanning the flames. Those who cautioned and abandoned us, they were the same. I saw them turn away. It's easy to look back and say what we'd do if only we'd waited, if only we knew nothing in this world could make up for what we'd lose, the price we had to pay. Oh, what did we know? We gambled an unknown price. I don't know where I'm going, but I cannot stay here. The lights have gone out and it's over. Though we could ask ourselves "what have we done?" maybe our regrets are best left unsung. Wishing won't absolve us of all that we have won. And what scares me more than anything... If we would choose the past, we'd probably choose the same. Oh, what did we know? We gambled an unknown price. I don't know where I'm going, but I cannot stay here. The fires burned out and it's over. What happened to our guiding light? When did the dream decay? It's too cold out in the night when starlight melts away. We swore that we understood this wasn't a game but somehow we found ourselves fanning the flames. What we have lost we can never regain and I'm sorry. Oh, what did we know? We gambled an unknown price. I don't know where I'm going, but I cannot stay here. There's nothing left here now it's over. Oh, what did we know? We gambled an unknown price. I don't know where I'm going, but I cannot stay here. No life in your eyes. It's all over.
3.
04:31
You've felt the rain, but it couldn't drown you. It was nothing but drops on your head. You've stood against the winds that hound you and carry the names of the dead. If only you could soar away and feel the sunlight again. Poor little bird, you parrot their words in exchange for a comfortable cage. Pretending to be all they want to see, you're a player acting on their stage. You've heard it all. You know it off by heart. Automatically, you sing along. But nobody's there. You leave your head. The light's on, but nobody's home. Poor little bird, you parrot their words in exchange for a comfortable cage. Under their glares, you act unawares in the darkening light of the day. Open your eyes. Take in all you see and imagine beyond. The world is wide, more than you've ever known. So reach out and take it back. "Poor little bird!" is all that you've heard all these years, but guess who's still alive? Open the gates, it's never too late to dream past the days you've survived.
4.
04:14
I think we'll live, which is strange enough to think. Everyone was cheering to push us from the brink. We were entertaining. That was never cast in doubt but never mind about that. We were not meant to get out. When you've seen what we've seen, when you've done what we've done, when you've been through what we've been through there is nowhere left to run. Through the eagle's eye they watched us never feeling like the prey. Paying us all their attention. Taking everything away. I am not undamaged. No, that was never an option. Supposedly safe, but I'm lost again. I am not okay, that was always out of the question. But maybe, given time, I'll start to mend. 'Til then, I'm lost again. Like bandits on the run, we sought out anywhere to hide. Everything we've done was done so we could stay alive. They'll never understand the way the world looks from our eyes. How our own survival's just a consolation prize. When you've seen what we've seen, when you've done what we've done, when you've been through what we've been through there is nowhere left to run. Through the eagle's eye they watched us never feeling like the prey. Paying us all their attention. Taking everything away. I am not undamaged. No, that was never an option. Supposedly safe, but I'm lost again. I am not okay, that was always out of the question. But maybe, given time, I'll start to mend. 'Til then, I'm lost again. Sitting here as targets as the waves crash down upon our heads, hurling questions: "How did we manage to defeat our dead? Why aren't we smiling? This is our shining moment after all! Why are we cowering when we should be standing tall?" I am not undamaged. No, that was never an option. Supposedly safe, but I'm lost again. I am not okay, that was always out of the question. But maybe, given time, I'll start to mend. I am not undamaged. No, that was never an option. Supposedly safe, but I'm lost again. I am not okay, that was always out of the question. But maybe, given time, I'll start to mend. 'Til then, I'm lost again.
5.
I never wanted to say any of this to you, but you left me drowning by myself in this abyss. You said you'd never do this, but your words are hollow things. And I should've learned by now that you won't ever change the way you think and more fool I for believing that you might. Shall I polish your egos 'til they shine like diamonds and your dirt sticks under my fingernails? I'm so sick of the blows and I am done with trying for imaginary sentiment when all else fails. I give up! I give in! I was always on the fringe looking into your little circle. If I stay here there's no way for me to win so I'm leaving your vicious cycle now. It doesn't matter anymore, not like the way it did before and if I really cared I'd probably wonder if you'd notice that I'm gone. But if I were a betting girl, I'd bet you wouldn't. Was there ever a time you thought to think about me as a person, more than just your singing doll? Was it such a great crime to hope that you might care? I suppose it was. I know you never cared at all. I give up! I give in! I was always on the fringe looking into your little circle. If I stay here there's no way for me to win so I'm leaving your vicious cycle now. Have you ever imagined how the world might look from underneath your shoes to those you've trampled down? That's a rhetorical question, honey. Please don't answer. I don't want to hear your voice right now.
6.
03:03
Look at me. Tell me, what am I to you? I'm not leaving until you tell me what I wanna know. Did I never shine bright enough for you? Couldn't you see me through the shadow? The shadow of another, of someone that I could not be. A shadow hanging over me. I can prove myself. I can prove myself to you. I promise you that I can do all I say that I can do. Just look me in the eyes and say I matter. Every effort seems to be too little now. I know who it is you want and it's not me. But this is not a ceasefire, this is not me giving up. Witness me change my destiny. The shadow of no other will linger over me. From shadows I call myself free. I can prove myself! I can prove myself to you. I promise you that I can do all I say that I can do. I'll help myself! Watch as all my dreams come true. Things would be different if I'd known that I am out here on my own. Don't tell me lies. Don't pretend that I matter.
7.
04:43
Look down and I see the road below me crumble. I'm falling down again. I was holding on so tight to hoping you would last the night but when the sun goes down the darkness has the final say. But this time, although it's the last time, you see me shaking, but I'll hold my head up high. I would give anything if you could only stay. I let myself be washed ashore so I won't have to float any more. I don't have the strength to swim against a raging tide. The waves, they crash against the rocks and amongst the noise I almost forgot to reach a hand towards you and to wish you a goodnight. But this time, although it's the last time, you see me shaking, but I'll hold my head up high. This feels too certain. Why is it so permanent? Though I know all too well this is the only way I would give anything if you could only stay. But this time I know it's the last time. You'll see me shaking but I'll hold my head up high. You won't find me stuck on what's behind me. I'll push myself from my knees and I'll face the day. But I'd still give everything if you could only stay.
8.
And so the story goes there's a world beyond the wall, but who would cross the only line that keeps us safe? And everybody knows there's no answers left at all. The pieces, smashed and scattered, blow back in our faces. But, if you'd like to, we could still inquire why all that we once had was lost in the fires and if there's a chance that we might find the reason, don't tell me it's not worth it! My feet disconnect from the ground. I look up as I crash down. No time left for wondering why. Just one moment and I'm falling like the sky. There's nothing we want more than what we don't have. If we had wings to fly, we'd long to touch the ground. The road to find those wings might not be the safest path, but who's heard of heroes sleeping safe and sound? Falling to pieces won't solve any problems and running from dangers won't stop any of them. If you turn and face them head-on then you might find you'd fly. My feet disconnect from the ground. I look up as I crash down. No time left for wondering why. Just one moment and I'm falling like the sky. So the story goes, there's a world beyond the wall. But who would cross the only line that keeps us safe? And everybody knows, there's no answers left at all, but if we never try, who's ever going to face it? My feet disconnect from the ground. I look up as I crash down. No time left for wondering why. Just one moment and I'm falling like the sky.
9.
overhead the colours change blue and orange in the sky overhead the colours change before i know it it all passes me by it's late at night i should be sleeping but i heard a noise outside my house i sit in the moonlight by the highway counting cars and if you find you need me i'll be here conducting shooting stars

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released February 14, 2015

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Rachel Rose Mitchell Melbourne, Australia

just a girl and her songs

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