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Heart Of Mine

by Rachel Rose Mitchell

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1.
The Hollow 03:49
Can you feel it too? Heavy nothingness. Can you feel it too? Feel there’s nothing left. Can you feel the air burning in your lungs? Can you feel the threads slowly come undone one by one? Can you feel it too? Heavy nothingness. Can you feel it too? Feel there’s nothing left. Can you feel it too? Feel there’s nothing left but hollowness.
2.
Thorns 05:12
I'm underground, but I'm not dead nor buried. I'm sleeping for a while. I know that's not the news you wanna hear. I'm not alone. The second I reach out somebody holds my hand and pulls me from the six foot hole you told me I deserved. So say it one more time to my face, say it if you dare. You could draw my blood with just a word and I'd forgive you. I promise I would overlook your flaws. I told myself so many times "it's what's inside that counts," but I never found the flower beneath your thorns. You justified the poison dripping from your tongue like it was medicine, like I was so very sick and your bile was my only cure. But you lied. You told me that I was someone never worth fighting for. I wonder how you'd cope if you could only see me now. You wouldn't recognise me. You could draw my blood with just a word and I'd forgive you. I promise I would overlook your flaws. I told myself so many times "it's what's inside that counts," but I never found the flower beneath your thorns. I was hurt and I was bleeding. All you did was salt the wounds and salt my earth, 'cause nothing I could grow was good enough for you. It's taken me this long and the road out is longer still. But you can't drag me back. You never can. You never will. I'd like to take back what's mine, but you're not worth my time. You could draw my blood with just a word and I'd forgive you. I promise I would overlook your flaws. I told myself so many times "it's what's inside that counts," but I never found the flower beneath your thorns.
3.
I pray for many things, not all of them are good. I know you'd understand if you could only see. If only I had wings. I'd leave here if I could, but this moat's the only thing that keeps the world away from me and the water's too clear to hide... River run red! Keep me safe behind the stone. I have to rely on you. I've no shield of my own. Believe me, I've bled far too much for one lifetime. So river, if you hear me, let no one cross the line. This story's just begun. It can't be over yet. So much still to look forward to. So much still to dread. I know not everything can turn out as I wish, but still, there must be compromise between perfect and this. The more I run for the door, the further away it gets. Pinch me, tell me I'm dreaming 'cause I cannot reach the end. River run red! Keep me safe behind the stone. I have to rely on you. I've no shield of my own. Believe me, I've bled far too much for one lifetime. So river, if you hear me, let no one cross the line. Believe me, I've bled far too much for one lifetime. So river, if you hear me, let no one cross the line.
4.
I don't want to leave you, but the wind is howling loud and flowers die off in this kind of cold. I don't want to leave you, but what I want hardly matters now. I'd ask one favour of you: please grow old. We swore that we would stand alone together and I hate to make you a liar, but I saw this coming all along. I fear there's nowhere we can go from here. Hard to believe that sometimes, what feels right is wrong. You say it's tearing you to bits but you don't know the half of it. I'm crumbling like paper in the rain. I don't want to leave you, but the wind is howling loud and flowers die off in this kind of cold. I don't want to leave you, but what I want hardly matters now. I'd ask one favour of you: please grow old. It's a welcome change for once to have someone to rely on, but what happens when it tumbles down? You don't understand all the fuss but there's bigger things than both of us. If all this leaves you breathless, then I'd rather you keep breathing. You say it's tearing you in two but you should know this tears me too. I'm burning like dry fields set alight. Your reckless days and sleepless nights, I watched them as your satellite. We danced around each other like nothing could come between. The only part I've come to hate: it came with an expiry date. The things we want forever couldn't last a century. I don't want to leave you. Why can't I just stay in your arms just a moment longer? What's the harm? I don't want to leave you but what I want hardly matters now. I'd ask one favour of you, so if it's at all in your power, please grow old. Please grow old. I don't want to leave you but what I want hardly matters now. I'd ask one favour of you.
5.
If one's as good as their word, there's nothing good in you and there's nothing I can do. You said you'd never leave me out here on my own but in the end, I walked alone. I always knew you would be everything I need. Or so you led me to believe. You said your heart would never stray too far from mine, but you're the one who drew the line. You said you'd never leave me out here on my own but in the end, I walked alone. Heart of mine, don't bleed for those who'd leave you. Heart of mine, don't beat for those who'd bleed you. I always knew you'd be there in my hour of need because you told me to believe. You said you'd never leave me outside on my own but in the end, I walked alone.
6.
I saw the end. I saw the ending at the start. Though I never said a word aloud, I knew it in my heart. All I ever wanted was to make the smiles real. I felt that was worth the hurt and time it took to heal. Though I knew I never could, I swore I’d make it through. If you repeat ideas enough, it doesn’t make them true. I tried to force my circles into squares and I denied that what I wanted wasn’t there. I looked for light In corners darker than the dark side of the moon. But still, in spite of you I shine Like a lantern in the night. Nowhere to hide. You’ve never seen me shine so bright as I do tonight. You clipped my wings and cut my claws. I let it happen then. I didn’t know what I was missing until they grew again. So though it hurt, and oh it hurt, I tore myself away. Sometimes you have to bleed before you heal enough to keep the dark at bay. I could see so well in the night that I felt blinded by the sun. But easy doesn’t make it right. Sometimes it’s better just to run. I tried to force my circles into squares and I denied that what I wanted wasn’t there. I looked for light In corners darker than the dark side of the moon. But still, in spite of you I shine Like a lantern in the night. Nowhere to hide. You’ve never seen me shine so bright as I do tonight. I’m free. I fly. I live. I shine. I tried to force my circles into squares and I denied that what I wanted wasn’t there. I looked for light In corners darker than the dark side of the moon. But still, in spite of you I shine.
7.
Wither 04:23
Don’t let me wither. Make a decision. If you stay, they’ll call you traitor. Leave one way now or the other later. I lived a thousand lives to meet you. I’d die a thousand times to keep you. I watched a thousand years before I knew what I was missing. Don't let me wither. Make a decision. If you stay, they’ll call you traitor. Leave one way now or the other later. The choice is yours, it’s getting colder, but don’t let that weigh on your shoulders. The burden of decision is far from what I wanted for you. I lived a thousand lives to meet you. I’d die a thousand times to keep you. I can’t watch the years alone now know what I was missing. Don't let me wither. Make a decision. If you stay, they’ll call you traitor. Leave one way now or the other later.

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released January 20, 2016

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Rachel Rose Mitchell Melbourne, Australia

just a girl and her songs

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